Nicole’s story started when she was a teenager trying to find herself in the world. She came from a very caring, loving family and didn’t want for anything. Nicole had everything that she needed, but at school, she settled into a peer group that was outspoken and a little wild. They would smoke and push the boundaries at school and at home. Nicole would often drink and smoke cannabis with those friends, and that continued as she got older.
“I liked getting attention – being the person that people noticed and knew and having a name for myself. I suppose I am still like that, but today it’s for the right reasons.”
There were consequences for Nicole’s behaviour, but she didn’t really listen, and soon found herself in a relationship with an older guy. She was 15 and he was 20. She was a child, and he was an adult.
“When I look at the world now and what I have learnt, I know that he should have known better. The relationship was controlling from the beginning, but everything seemed like a fairy-tale. I was 15 and thought I knew everything. He promised me the world.”
After starting this relationship, Nicole started taking amphetamines. Her boyfriend would act surprised when she asked for drugs so that he could say that he had never offered them to her. It gave Nicole a false sense of control (and him deniability) and soon became a regular thing.
Nicole ran away from home at 15. She believed that her parents would stop her from seeing him.
“I was in a coercive relationship and using drugs, thinking to myself, “this isn’t fun anymore”, but I was so far in I couldn’t see a way out. He would tell me, “If you go home, they will never let me see you. Looking back, I can see the pain that my parents and family went through. It was torture, they blamed each other for not seeing it before and for not being able to do anything. It was too late for me to go back home and make it right, I was committed to my choice.”
Her cannabis and amphetamine addiction led Nicole into the world of dealers and users. They moved from house to house but were never far away from dealers and crime. It felt exciting for a while, as she knew dealers in every town. It didn’t last.
Anything Nicole had in the bank disappeared straight away, as her boyfriend controlled everything. In 2001, she became pregnant, and that’s where everything started to spiral even more. It was not only her life anymore. The dealing continued and although she stopped using amphetamines, Nicole continued to smoke cannabis. Her partner didn’t stop at all, and the party sessions didn’t stop either. Social services soon became involved and stayed involved for the next 5 years.
Social services helped to get Nicole back in touch with her family through their meetings. They helped her do what felt impossible. They started Nicole on the path to heal that broken relationship with her parents. After she had her second child, she started to have contact with her mum again.
Nicole’s life changed completely after social services made an unannounced home visit whilst she was on a come down. She told the social worker to leave when she told her she was concerned about the children. The boy’s dad had left to get drugs, so Nicole was alone. She looked out of the window and saw three police cars pull up outside.
“I was frozen, the police came in and protected my children and removed them from my care, but it left me broken and alone.”
Social services had been involved for so long. Nicole had years of prewarning, but the situation hadn’t changed. The police told her that they couldn’t leave them with her any longer, which was a turning point for Nicole. She discovered that she could not have got out of that situation if the kids were still there.
“This was the best thing social services ever did for me, although I didn’t realise at the time.”
The next few weeks were awful for Nicole. Seeing the children happy with someone else was what hurt her the most and she struggled to let them go. They had contact every weekday and she would walk to the meetings if there was no other way. She didn’t miss any time that was available and, on a few occasions, went alone. Nicole stopped using amphetamines and cannabis, but her partner continued.
Nicole decided that things needed to change. She waited until he had gone out with his mother. She had already packed and hidden her bags, so she called her dad and he drove to collect her. That was when her new life started.
“I got home and cried. I apologised, but how could that ever be enough for the pain that I caused for so many years?”
The next couple of weeks Nicole recovered and made a new plan to get her sons back. In the end, it only took her two months to prove that she could safeguard her children with the support of her family and live a drug free life. Her dad helped her to find accommodation; without that, she wouldn’t have had a home for the boys to return to.
She started a job and began to build a home. She safeguarded the children and stopped contact with her ex-partner as he was still using drugs. She had started to see how wrong the relationship was. However, Nicole only realised that it was abusive after doing the Certificate in Community Justice course that Collette had told her about, and starting to work as a Family intervention worker.
“During my domestic violence training I could see my teenage self in what I was learning about. It was shocking but enlightening. I don’t blame anyone, but I began to reach an understanding about how easy it is to fall into those relationships without knowing.”
Nicole carried on with her new life with the boys and her family and eventually started a new relationship. This relationship was immediately different from her last. He was supportive, not controlling, loving and respectful. They have now been together for 12 years.
“15-year-old me would never have believed that her life could ever look like this. I have all my family relationships back, a job that I love, a car, my own home, savings, a bank account. I have found freedom and together we built an amazing home full of love. Addiction isn’t a choice, people get stuck, and they are often kept there by fear. Help is out there – it’s about accepting it and making changes for yourself. I will always be repairing the relationships that I damaged through my addiction but also making happy memories every day moving forward.”
