The Raw truth of Domestic Abuse: A Lived and Survived Experience

Following the International Day for the Elimination Against Women (25th November), I have decided to write about my lived experience with domestic abuse. This is the first time I have ever put pen to paper or spoken about it so publicly.

I want to start with some background about why I didn’t see the red flags – or acknowledge in the beginning – what the bigger picture about domestic abuse looked like.

My mum left when I was only six months old. My father and grandparent brought me up until I was aged six, and then my father met a new partner who remained in my life until I was fourteen years of age. During that period, we were victims of and witnessed physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

By the age of fourteen I had entered the care system, so I didn’t have any experience or self-confidence of what a healthy relationship looked or felt like. I have been in several domestic abusive relationships that span from the age of 16 to 45. It is the one that affected me the most deeply, mentally and physically, that I will share with you now.

I met my ex-partner through work. I was 23 at the time and he was older. Within the first six months of being together, I had fallen pregnant. We got married a month later, and by then, cracks had already started to show in our relationship.

There was one occasion where we visited the jewellery shop his was a manager of and I also worked at. He had hired a new employee who he used to talk to at all hours of the day. I grew suspicious and raised my concerns, but was told I was crazy and had ‘pregnant brain’.

I was trapped, pregnant, and felt worthless. In my head I told myself that my dad had affairs all the time – this was normal for men and it would stop at one point.

I gave birth to twins and things just got worse. A week after giving birth I haemorrhaged and had to be rushed to hospital. My ex-partner left me to go on my own – no emotion, no care. Just cold. Shortly after we moved to Wales to be near to his family. This was when the violence began.

Over the next few years, he would hit me, often in places you couldn’t see. He was an ex-boxer and six foot tall – and I was just over five – I had no chance. On one of the last occasions, he lost it so much that he headbutted me, resulting in two black eyes. I had to pick the children up from nursery with sunglasses on to hide what he had done.

As well as the physical abuse, there was the financial and emotional abuse too. I had no money as he wouldn’t let me work. I would have to ask to put the heating on. He would leave me lists in the morning dictating when I could wash the children, when they could have drinks or lunch – the list goes on. Everyday was like walking on eggshells.

The last attack was the worst. He locked me in the living room, then kicked and punched me for an hour and a half whilst I could hear my children crying in the hallway. I tried so hard to keep myself from crying out, despite the horrendous pain, as to not scare them further. The phone rang, which stopped him in his tracks. It was my sister, so he passed me the phone. I tried to speak as normally as I could, but she could tell something was wrong, so I hung up.

Afterwards, my ex-partner took the children to school normally as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t move for hours. I was petrified and covered in blood and bruises. I heard a knock at the door, which my partner answered.

It was my sister. She pushed passed him, took one look at me, and picked me up off the floor. She took my out of the front door and put me in her car, before turning to my ex-partner and said: “you’ll never do this to my sister again”.

She had no idea how long the abuse had been going on for.

That same day, we picked the children up from school and drove to London. I found somewhere to live and never gave my ex the address. He didn’t see his children for around 2 months – I was too frightened to give him any access to them. He called one day and said his dad was ill and wanted to see them before he passed away.

I was still totally brainwashed. In many ways, I believed him, so gave him the children on the basis it was just the weekend believing he would bring them back. I had compassion for my ex-partner as my Dad had died from the same illness his own Father was succumbing to.

I believed him, but as soon has he had them he called me and told me I would never get the children back. My sister told me to just take them back but I was petrified of what he would do and was still totally controlled by him. For 4 months, my sister would drive me to Wales to see them in a park for an hour – he wouldn’t let them out of his sight.

I went to visit the children at Christmas with my step-mum and brother, determined to get them back. Whilst my ex-partner was out of the room, the children were crying and begging us to take them home. My mum grabbed them and put them in the car, but left me behind. When my partner realised what was happening, he grabbed me and had me in a chokehold. Luckily, my brother came back through the door and got him off me.

That was the last I saw of him for six months. During that time, he called me every day, threatening to kill me. We ended up going to court, where I won full custody. The children didn’t see him again for two years – his choice not mine – I still wanted them to have a Dad. I put that down to my own dysfunctional upbringing.

It took me years to get over what happened to me. I turned to alcohol to self-medicate. The controlling and hate went on for years until the children were fifteen, and didn’t want anything to do with him.

I have now been in recovery for 8 months and am proud to say that my life is now completely different.

I have healed from my past trauma, have healthier friendships, a supportive family, and have completed a lot of volunteer work to help others.

After my relationship broke down, I went on to gain a diploma in art and design and have been a kitchen and bathroom designer for 10 years.

My youngest is about to start college training to become a chef, and my other older children have all become managers for various companies. I also have three grandchildren.

We all healed together and turned our experience into something positive. We broke the cycle of abuse, which I am so thankful for.

It is only now I am able to share my story after undergoing trauma therapy and lots of hard work in recovery to heal myself and realise my worth.

I wanted to do this because if I can help even one person by sharing my experience, it would mean everything. I am one of the lucky ones. I get to tell my story, but so many other will never get that chance.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, support is available. Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or call their free, confidential helpline at 0808 2000 247, available 24/7.

Always contact 999 in an emergency, and if it’s unsafe to speak, you can then press 55 – you’ll be transferred to a police call handler trained to deal with ‘silent calls’.

Additional resources include Women’s Aid and Refuge. You are not alone – help is here.